These past nine months, I have learned more about myself than in 20 years of life. Before coming and just absorbing myself in the faith, I had things together. I went to school, had a good job, a girlfriend, I was involved with the church, and believed I was on the right track. Nothing drastic happened, except that I felt the burden of complacency ruling my life. I have been a believer for most of my life, but a nudging kept saying, “Do something different, for Me.” Now, that could not have been anyone but God, because it went against all that I would naturally do. Plus, I had been praying for something more in my life.
So, after applying and being accepted to Revolution Hawaii, I headed out feeling I was on top of my game. I had God in sight, and I was really excited. I didn’t really know anyone, so I looked at this as an opportunity to take advantage of building new friendships.
I finished my spring semester of community college, gave in my two weeks at my job, and decided that it would be best to not be in a relationship, in order that the two of us could grow in our personal relationship with God. As the months wore on, I felt like I was no longer in control of anything back home in Oregon. People I cared about and loved where starting to make dumb choices, and I began to feel as though they stabbed me in the back. I lost my trust with them, and grew in bitterness towards them. The whole time, I thought I was doing the right things by focusing on ministry here, balance a broken relationship, and build new friendships. That is when I questioned God, myself and others.
One of the most important lessons I have learned is that nobody is perfect. Heard that all my life, but it never rang true to me because I was living as though I was perfect. The sad reality hit when I was sitting alone in the mountain, during a time called silence and solitude. I always felt as though I surrendered my life to God, by giving what I thought He wanted. Unfortunately, that was only about a quarter of who I am. The scariest place in life, to me, is anywhere alone.
But something happened in that time of isolation. The anger, bitterness, lust, jealousy, lying, fakeness that I had tucked away in the back of my heart and mind, hoping it would just disappear, came to the surface, and in that moment, I realized those things where the bricks building the wall between God and me.
This is when I experienced the true gift of amazing grace. When I finally fessed up and let go of the chains around my heart, I realized it was God holding the key to the lock.
“As it is written, ‘there is none righteous, no not one.’” Romans 3:10
2 Corinthians 12:9 “And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, my strength is made perfect in weakness.’”